Real Men . . .

My dear hubby, Bob, and I and three other couples will complete a 10 week Bible study this week. On the cover of the workbook, are the words, A Women’s In-depth Study. Not only that, the study is 14 years old—which is totally reflected in the corny introductions of each lesson and in the hair and dress styles. From time to time we chuckle at things in the dated video. Even so, the men have faithfully completed every lesson. Since he travels, Bob often does his study on the airplane or in a business club room. He is not apologetic and says that he has learned much. All of the men say that they have enjoyed the study. Bob is willing to do another study whether taught by or for men or by or for women as long as the focus is on God’s word. These men also eat quiche and drink tea. I don’t think they wear pink.

Chew On This!

Tonight at a meeting at church, I learned something really vital. I must have been dozing or on vacation when this important bit of information became common knowledge. It was mentioned offhandedly tonight as if everyone but I had prior knowledge. Probably, I intuitively knew it also, because it is something that I often do. Now that I think about it, I must have known that it was effective. So just in case you were as unaware as me, here is the scoop: Chewing helps organize and calm the nervous system. Look at this great list of suggested items to chew: chewing gum, fruit leather, licorice, gummy bears, or crunchy snacks such as pretzels or carrots. Yahoo! Feeling a bit muddled in the mind and having used all of my elixir, (See this post.) I rushed home and made some popcorn (that comes under crunchy snacks). I was an eager, willing and happy guinea pig. (Pun intended.) Now I am writing a blog and so therefore my mind must no longer be muddled. The empirical data on this important theory has just been tested. Based on personal observation and experience, it is accurate. Ain’t life grand!

Beep (pause) Beep (pause) Beep

You know those cars that have safety back-up sensors. They detect objects behind the car when you put it in reverse and alert the driver by specialized beeps. Here is how they work:

The first zone is the safe zone. By being silent it assures you that there is not an object in the immediate vicinity.
The second zone is the caution zone. This zone typically is set to start when an object is 2-4 feet away and is noticeable by a constant beeping sound.
The third zone is the warning or stop zone. This is typically set from 6 inches to two feet. When an object gets this close the beeping sound will change pitch and will increase speed alerting the driver to stop.
The fourth zone is the crash zone.

Here is how it works with retirement.
The first zone is the safe zone. Mostly we do not think about retirement too much.
The second zone is the caution zone. We talk to financial advisors. And the phrase, “After retirement, we won’t be able to. . .” becomes more frequent.
The third zone is when we downsize to a smaller home and talk about a retirement date.
The fourth zone is when a gold watch is awarded, and everybody kisses and hugs and you go home and mostly stay there. (Actually I just made that up about the gold watch and the kisses and hugs.)

So I have been hearing the retirement beep (long pause) beep (long pause) beep, for the last six years. I have gotten rather accustomed to it and was quite able to tune it out. However, lately the beeps are getting higher in pitch and closer together. (It may just be that the Christmas bills have come in.) However, after listening last night, I think we are somewhere between the caution and warning zone.

Bob has asked me to get the house ready to sell! Yipes!

My Baby is 30 Years Old Today!

Dad and Brad--a long time ago

This picture reminds me of Brad's daughter, Lilly.

Brad was just a couple of weeks old when the Chicago area had a big snowstorm. The weather stayed cold and the snow did not melt for a couple of months. Then the following year in 1979, Chicago area had huge record snows again. Perhaps that is why Brad was such a cuddly, snugly, affectionate child. Or maybe that is a characteristic of second born children. Either way, Brad was a joy. He loved to play and have fun. His daddy called him his little buddy. Brad loved to do whatever Dad did whether it was shaving, or washing the car or playing with the train set or playing sports.

I know without a doubt that today, Dale would be so proud of his sons. Our sons are both so different from each other but both boys remind me of their father. Since this is about Brad, let me list a few similarities between Dad and Brad. Dale was a great father. Brad is a great father. Dale loved our church. Brad loves his church. Everyone always said of Dale, “He works hard and he plays hard.” The same is said of Brad. They both loved/love to play and vacation and laugh! Dale liked watching, “The Three Stooges.” Brad liked “Dumb and Dumber.” Dale was outgoing and loved getting together with friends, especially church friends. The same is true of Brad. Both were/are loyal. Dale and Brad was/is a person of integrity, could/can be trusted and wanted/wants to do the right thing. Dale worked on home projects. The night before his death, he was working on making a bathroom in our basement. Brad also does home projects. To name a few: Brad built a deck, tiled the bathroom, and put a new wooden floor in the kitchen and family room. When I am with Brad, I often recognize a gesture or expression that is so much Dale. Dale loved it when people told him how much Brad looked like him! Brad loves it that Jackson and Lilly look like him. Both daddies tried/try to be good providers—their names both suggest that meaning. Both were faithful men and loved God, their wife and kids, and lots of other people, too.

The December after Dale died, I had a difficult day at work where nothing seemed to go just right. Our neighbor, Mrs. G., was in the hospital and told me that she would really love to hear some Christmas music. I had bought a cassette for her and Brad and I shopped and found a cute little red tape recorder to take to her. When we presented Mrs. G. with the gift, the tape recorder would not play. It was so frustrating! I really did not have time to take the gift in the first place and was running late to pick up Andy from a school practice. Then I was supposed to feed the kids and get Andy and two friends to his junior high youth group. It just seemed that the day was not going well. Brad knew of my frustration and said, “Can I try to fix the recorder.” I replied, “It won’t work, Brad.” In my heart, I said, “God, didn’t you want Mrs. G. to hear that Christmas music?”

After we got home from delivering kids at church, Brad brought the red tape recorder to me saying, “Mom, I fixed the tape recorder! It works!” Sure enough, we tried it and it worked. After congratulating Brad on fixing the tape recorder, Brad said, “Mom, do you think I am just like Dad?” I answered, “You bet, Brad, you are just like your Dad.” We had time to get in the car and run over to CDH one more time and deliver the tape recorder and as we left the hospital, it was playing Christmas music.

That night I complained a bit to God about my frustrating day. It was as if a still small voice said, “I wanted Mrs. G. to have that music player but first Brad needed to know that he was just like his dad.” Of course!

Wow! Thirty years since his birth! I sure do love that man, my son! God has been faithful. Brad is much like his earthly father and his heavenly Father.

Happy Birthday, Brad!

More recent picture of Brad and his family

Dicey Stuff

I guess it started with Bunco. I don’t like to miss a party so last fall I joined our neighborhood bunco group. Bunco is a game of chance requiring no skill except keeping the dice on the table when it is your turn to roll. Our Bunco nights are really about laughing so much that enough endomorphins are produced to keep us smiling for the next week. Bunco is also about good desserts and hors d’oeuvres so that our pants fit more snugly for the next week.

Then I was introduced to competitive Yahtzee where winning and losing scores are recorded and there are rules about rolling the dice and strategies are secret. That is from Matt—new husband of Carrie—daughter of our neighbors, Jim and Cindy. After every game the high and low score is recorded in itsy bitsy tiny print in the boxtop. It is their family tradition and involves a game almost every day.

Last night, neighbors Mary and John, (their real names) brought a hostess gift in a tiny package. After it was opened, we six neighbors rattled and shook out dice playing Pocket Farkel for the next two hours. It was amusing to have to say, “Oh, no, I guess I farkeled,” or “Sorry friend, you farkeled again.” Bob reminded us of a goofy old saying, “I’d rather be a smart feller than a ___ smeller.” (He made a big hit when he told that to three of our grandsons ages 10-13 years old a few weeks ago when one of the grandsons gave occasion for that comment. The boys nearly rolled on the floor laughing.) Farkel, rest assured, has nothing to do with that. You farkel if you do not roll a five or a one. It doesn’t take much to make us laugh. We had a great time. John and Mary’s rules add a bit of competition and fun. For example, everyone should start with a dollar or so of dimes. Then whenever someone farkels, you have to put a dime in the pot. If you get a Royal Farkel, you have to put 20 cents in the pot. The winner at the end of the night takes home the pot. Last night Cindy would have gone home with $3.60 except that we didn’t have enough dimes. I recommend this game. It really is lots of fun and does involve some strategy. If your eyesight is still okay, I recommend Pocket Farkel. The little canister fits easily into the smallest purse so you have something to do whether at Starbucks or at the airport or any place where you wait with a friend. It is a great little multigenerational game. So go ahead you may just turn the corner.

Debriefing Christmas

I argued with myself yesterday regarding writing one last Christmas blog. Andy and Amy went back to their home in NC yesterday. It is hard for me to move on. While taking down the Christmas tree I played an old Kenny Rogers cd.

Come and gather around at the table
In the spirit of family and friends
And we'll all join hands and remember this moment
'Til the season comes 'round again.

Let's all try to smile for the picture
And we'll hold it as long as we can
May it carry us through
Should we ever get lonely
'Til the season comes 'round again.

May the new-year be blessed with good tidings
'Til the next time I see you again
And we'll all join hands and remember this moment
And we'll love and we'll laugh
In the time that we had
'Til the season comes 'round again.

If we must say goodbye
Let the spirit go with you
'Til the season comes 'round again...

So as that song played, One Last 2007 Christmas Blog won the argument. So here’s The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly of my Christmas.

Good: Hors D’oeuvres recipes
These three simple and delicious recipes made a hit.
Next year: I will use them again.

Crab Spread
1 pkg cream cheese
2 cans crab meat
1 jar shrimp & seafood sauce
Layer these on a flat dish or Christmas plate.
Serve with crackers.

Artichoke Dip
1 can artichoke hearts (drained and chopped)
12 oz. shredded mozzarella cheese
1 cup parmesan cheese
1 cup mayonnaise
dash garlic salt
Mix together and heat at 350° for 25 minutes until bubbly. Serve with rye chips or crackers. (Be careful not to get the mayonnaise on the sides of the dish when heating the dip.)

Christmas Guacamole Dip
16 oz. container prepared guacamole
8 oz package cream cheese
1 cup sun-dried cranberries or cherries
Juice from one lime
2-3 large T. chopped cilantro
Mix all ingredients together and serve with colored corn chips.

Bad: We did not get a family picture of Andy, Amy, Ryan and Jacob. The above picture was taken just before they went through security at the airport today.
Next year: I will take a family picture of Andy, Amy, Ryan and Jacob at the first possible opportunity and continue to photograph them as a family at every possible opportunity.

Ugly: My Christmas sweater—that I will admit to putting on one time before I carefully folded it and put it away. I really had wanted a Christmas sweater for a long time before I got one and then I was so happy to have one.
Next year: I will try to throw it out or maybe that will be the following year. (I am still not 100% convinced.)

Good: Playing with the nativity sets with Ryan.

Next year: We will play with them again and again and Jacob can join us!

Bad: I did not build a snowman with Ryan or take him on a sled ride.

Next year: If there is snow of any kind—even if it doesn’t pack, I will do whatever it takes to make sure that we play in the snow!

Ugly? Dryed up poinsettias.

Actually, they are still a little pretty. I am having trouble coming up with another ugly. Maybe it is time to stop playing this game.
Next year: I will try to give my flowers a drink more regularly.

Good: Everything else.

My grandkids, relatives and friends, the gatherings, the worship services, the decorations, the snow, the lights, the music, the cards, the games—everything was wonderful!
Next year? I am not sure that anything can surpass the joys of this year.

Great: God’s great gift to us in sending His Son.

The words of a verse of a song called Christmas Makes Me Cry by Mandisa and Matthew West was on the radio a few times this season and particularly spoke to my heart. This Christmas, I was reminded that we are richly blessed and undeservedly, but incredibly, loved!

I think of Mary and the virgin birth
And I’m amazed at how much
God thinks we’re worth
That He would send His only Son to die
And sometimes Christmas makes me cry.

Grief Thoughts and PS I Love You

Disclaimer: Before I write about this movie, I do want to say that the movie is rated PG13 with good reason. I certainly do not endorse many things in the movie nor do I see them as healthy grieving. Read the reviews before you see the movie. Also, what I write will spoil the movie for some of you. You know who you are so read no further.

Grief, like childbirth or other life experiences, is unique and different for every single person. Even so, sometimes we are encouraged by another person’s story. When we hear stories of similar reactions or responses, we began to realize that we aren’t crazy and that life will get better. The movie, PS I Love You, made me think back to my grief when Dale died.

I would have loved getting random letters for a year! As it was, I reread all of the letters that Dale sent me for two years while I was in college. I reread them in the first few months after his death and tried to discipline myself to only read a few per day. I was so grateful to have them! It was also a strange coincidence that for Valentine’s Day and our anniversary, I got flowers given to me for the first several years. They were not from the same friends. The givers did not realize how special their gift was to me. One time I was just in a grocery store on Valentine’s Day and they were giving out roses! I pretended that God was caring for me and reminding me that I had been loved.

In the movie PS I Love You, I related a bit to Holly watching old love movies. I had a song on a cassette that I played over and over. It was called, He Who Began a Good Work in You. One line said, You are His treasure and He finds pleasure in you. When you are a widow, you feel like no will ever treasure you again and find pleasure in you. It was good to hear that God loved me and I wanted to believe it so I played the song over and over and when I was alone, I sang the words.

Holly felt Gerry’s presence and then grieved for that feeling when it was becoming dimmer. For maybe up to a year after Dale died, I still felt his presence. I didn’t talk to anyone really about sensing it because I knew they would think it was weird. Much later, I talked to some other widows and realized that they had the same experience. It was assuring to know that I was not crazy.

I liked wearing Dale’s t-shirts as night shirts and I kept his last bottle of cologne and put it on night shirts to smell him and remember him for a very long time—years. I understood in the movie that Holly would want to wear Gerry’s jacket.

I sometimes had trouble receiving and rejoicing over others good news especially pregnancy, or birth of a baby but not always. It hurt my feelings though if friends hid their good news from me because they thought it might be hard on me. I was not predictable.

Fantasy was a relief from the present. It wasn’t anything serious as I always knew reality from fantasy. Before I went to bed, I played a game with myself. I would try to decide if I could have Dale back for one day only this week or this month, which day would I choose? What would we do? What would I wear? I liked to fall asleep imagining the day. I also read novels for escape. I read books from cover to cover because for a little bit while reading, I could forget everything.

I remember how hard it was to do daily chores because no one cared and no one was coming home. There was no joy in cooking because no one thanked me and raved on how good the food tasted. Fortunately for me, a college girl moved into the house with the boys and I needed to force myself to keep going. Still I often felt like I was drowning.

I heard Holly say, “I am old.” I felt old. Everything good in life had already happened to me.

I knew that I needed to grow up. Learn to do things—bills, yardwork, put gas in the car, put a chain on a bike. I felt sorry for myself. It sometimes made me angry. However, afterwards I got a sense of accomplishment.

Like Holly and her mother, I remember feeling like my situation was so different from women that were divorced. At first, I wanted to separate myself from them. It wasn’t long though until I discovered precious friendship in those relationships. Some of my friends that were divorced, best understood my grief. They were also grieving.

Eventually, I began to think that I changed. I was different than the person that I was when Dale died. I was more independent. I could make decisions and I even liked making some decisions. I began to feel more like a person that had abilities and something to offer. I felt more adult and more creative.

If you are a young widow, I recommend this movie. You will find a few areas that you identify with. You will know you are not crazy. You will cry but it will give hope as well.